Final post

I havn't had the will or the energy to write a post but I want to say thank you once again to everybody. Thank you for the all the prayers, well wishes, cards, the wonderful food that people have brought over, the monetary donations and your presence both at the memorial and on Cleve's birthday. I just want to reiterate how thankful I am but feel it comes up short compared to what I feel in my heart. This truly has been a life changing event in so many ways. I have been pushed beyond what I thought my capacity was but found I could cope with the help of so many loved ones.  I could not have done it without my support "team". The tremendous generosity I experienced will be paid forward both emotionally and monetarily. I plan on making donations to others as others have made to my family. I have unfortunately learned how I react in a devastating situation, people have mistaken it for strength, but I don't feel strong at all, in fact I feel the weakest i've ever felt. I also feel anger, relief and love. So many emotions that I'm sure are all normal but it breaks my heart to have to experience right along side my boys. But I know in time the hurt will dull and we will eventually have more happy days than sad days. I will live my life and teach my boys to give love, respect and compassion to others because as Cleve would say, you get what you give. Thank you all for viewing the blog, following our journey and leaving such beautiful comments, but this will be my last post. I will leave you with a song that has meant a lot to me over the last few months.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9ETxBHYBAU

Here's to life,
Katie

Cleve's memorial

We have set a time for Cleve's memorial, I hope it works with most peoples schedule. We will be having it at the Twin Creeks Park in Central point at 2:30 on Sunday (6/10/12). Thats the park where battle of the bones is held, on Haskel off of Pine street in Central Point. We will be at the large gazebo. Cleve wanted a memorial where people could tell stories and laugh and enjoy the memory of him, he also wanted it to be casual so don't feel the need to get dressed up either. Me and the guys are asking a few things of you, however. Since it is in a park and very casual, we are asking you to bring either a lawn chair or blanket to sit on. Those that bring blankets will be put in front while those with chairs will be placed behind so we don't obstruct views. We are also asking if any of you by chance have an extra photo of Cleve, just a small one, 4x6 or smaller that you can part with, to bring it and put it in our album. This album will go to my boys so they can see how other people saw their daddy. Im sure there are photos out there I haven't seen, or haven't been seen in many, many years. It should be interesting. If you have a favorite yeti story you can feel free to share it with us. If it is too painful, then please listen to others, laugh and cry with us, you'll be in good company. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I will leave you with a few of my favorite pictures taken over the last few weeks that I think are beautiful and have touched me.  I love and miss you Cleve. Thank you for the thunder, lightning and hail storm this afternoon, it was quite a show.

I am so sorry to have to say that Cleve lost his battle with cancer at about 12:30 this afternoon. It was as peaceful as we could have asked for. He is no longer in pain and that sets my heart at ease. But one thing is for sure, you didn't give up without a fight. You have made everyone so proud. Good bye sweetheart, you are already dearly missed. Our salute to you...yes we did your favorite toast in your honor. Love you.

Thank you time

This post is all about you all. I want to give a huge thank you to all the supporters out there that keep us going. From comments on the blog to people bringing me and the "crew" food (which has been sooo yummy), to all the monetary donations that have been made, the cards that have been sent, the prayers and well wishes, the love and devotion of our closest friends and family. I honestly do not know how to thank you or repay you for all of your kindness, support and generosity. I will tell you one thing, it has made not only me, but everyone else in this house evaluate how we treat others and the impact we can have on others. My heart swells with every act of kindness. For all your generosity, I promise you all, I will pay it forward.

Now I know I can't make a post without a quick update on our boy. We are following the same pattern of no two days being the same. He woke in the wee morning hours, had a bit to eat and was a bit ornery. Slept a little more and then woke a little more. In his waking hours we had a really good talk. We talked about fears and the future. He knows and is starting to accept the fact that he has a very limited time left with us. Moreover, he feels and senses he is turning a corner. We have had this conversation several times, but each time he gets a little more reassurance that we will be ok. He has also been able to communicate his fears with his best friends, and thankfully they have been able to listen to them and help reassure him that they will be ok as well. Nobody is saying it will be easy, but we will be ok. Still taking care of others till the very end. There is a quote in the hospice handbook that I thought described Cleve's life perfectly and I thought I would share it with you all.

"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth"
                 ~Even Esar

Well, it seems no two days are the same. Yesterday Cleve was awake for a good portion of the day and today he slept most of it. It was difficult to get him to take his medication because he was so asleep, and that also made it hard for him to swallow. He did wake up in the evening when his oncologist stopped by to see how he is doing. It was such a nice surprise. Unfortunately, later in the evening he had some anger issues which seems to be yet another side effect of the cancer. Damn cancer. But in between these instances we get to see little glimmers of Cleve here and there. Denise, the hospice nurse came by the house today as well and it is always a pleasure to see her. She has a very comforting, soothing nature. We reviewed Cleve's medications, noted the drastic difference between yesterday and today, and she also noticed that his breathing is starting to slow down as well. Because of this, as I said before in my last post, we are limiting visitors. I think what me and my fellow caregivers have decided is that if you are notified, you are welcome to visit for a short amount of time, otherwise we ask for your understanding and cooperation in helping us create the most quiet, comfortable environment as possible for Cleve to finish out his days. I'm sure this is disappointing to some of you, and I am truly sorry, but he most likely won't remember your visit, and I would like you all to remember him as he was. As always, the tremendous out pouring of love and support has been phenomenal and we thank you so much.

It has been an incredibly long weekend and we have made some truly wonderful, beautiful memories. The birthday balloon celebration coordinated by my friend Susie was fantastic and truly a surprise for Cleve. We've had some wonderful visits with friends, and an awesome "unplugged" private acoustical show put on by Dr's Holderman, Bobek and Eaton that brought tears to our eyes. It was truly amazing to see these musicians put their heart and souls into singing and playing for us. I can't thank you guys enough.

With all that activity, Cleve has actually been handling it pretty well. However we cannot maintain that level either. As a family, which includes my big burly guys helping me with caregiving we are deciding to dramatically reduce the amount of visits we receive and when a visit does occur it will be for a very short time. We all know Cleve and how much he likes to be around people, unfortunately he needs his rest too. When we have too much going on, he tends to be hyper vigilant and cannot relax, which is the opposite of what we need. Whether it is effects of the medication or due to the progression of the disease (I think it's a combination of both) Cleve has been increasingly confused and can get agitated easily. He does have his clear moments of thought, and it is these times that we, as a family, would like to take advantage of. We still have some things to talk about and do which require him to have a lucid period of time. Among these things are writing letters to the kids to be opened at a later date, discussing certain personal effects he would like the children to have, and simply spending time alone as a family. While commotion can be a wonderful distraction, we need to enjoy every last moment together.

Many have asked how the children are doing, and the short answer is that they are doing as well as can be expected. I have talked with them, they know daddy has an illness that cannot be cured and that he will be joining grandma up in heaven. I have been completely open and honest with them, answering any questions they have and holding them and wiping away their tears. By being open and honest the kids are not afraid to be around daddy and even feel free to ask him questions which is also therapeutic for Cleve as well. Because of this we are able to go on as a family and even laugh and be silly. Unfortunately I am having to witness, especially Walker, having to grow up and experience grown up feelings at a much to early age. But I am so impressed with how he is handling the situation, with understanding, caring, and compassion, and even some stoicism. I think thats pretty amazing for a seven year old. And in Gavin, I can see him coping by his willingness to be around daddy and climb on him and give hugs and kisses. For a five year old, seeing his dad in a hospital bed in the living room, I would imagine that would be pretty scary. I have two incredibly amazing little boys.

Hospice care has been absolutely wonderful as well. I can't thank the nurses enough for being there. They never ever make me feel bad or stupid for calling with questions, and when they visit, they seem like part of the family too. They have made this huge transition very easy. They are a remarkable breed of people who do this for a living with such little recognition. Denise, Barb and Brenda...you are truly wonderful individuals. Thank you.

44th birthday party

Yesterday was Cleve's 44th birthday and what a party it was. We started with a pre birthday Baja fog the night before, which is a Corona with tequila up to the cap line, topped with lime juice. Then on his birthday, a giant balloon release for his birthday times two! Close friends, dinner and dessert. Such a wonderful day so I thought I would share some pictures with you all. Thank you so much for making his birthday such a wonderful memory for everyone. I hope you enjoy the pics!

Home

It has been a very long and eventful day. We finally got to bring Cleve home. He had some apprehension about coming home because he didn't want to be a burden to me and the kids. He now realizes that home is the best place to be and the most comfortable. We got to leave at about 3pm. and unfortunately got a little car sick on the way home, but once we got home he drifted in and out of sleep which he really needed. We also met the hospice nurse who brought us all of our medications and basically gave us an introduction to how hospice works. Wow, what an orientation, its all a bit surreal. I wake up in the morning realizing, no, it hasn't all been a dream. We will be meeting with the hospice social worker tomorrow, who will help with more of the family issues and not the meds issues. There are people taking care of all aspects of this process, and I am so happy I have them to fall back on.

The amount of support we have received has been incredible and I honestly do not know how to even begin to thank everyone. Everyone from friends, to hospital staff, to friends and fellow caregivers...it humbles me to see everyones generosity and I am so thankful to you all.

As I review my day, it seemed hectic and crazy but as I write about it, I think, is this really all we did? why am I so exhausted? But yes, we spoke with doctors and we came home and then spoke with hospice. Thats about it. But the truth is, is that I am tired, and so I apologize for the short posts. I want to keep everyone up to date even if our days are not as eventful as they may seem. We continue to work on pain control, a never ending cycle it seems, especially now that I am taking care of administering the meds without a nurse being right there. And I am sure this is what we will be doing tomorrow. And we will be taking advantage of and cherishing every lucid moment that we are blessed with. So...until tomorrow...good night.

We had a very busy day of visitors, every one wanting to show their love and support, and trust me, we felt it. Here are a few pictures from the day.

I guess i didn't ask if i could post other peoples pictures on the blog. If you want yours removed, tell me which one you are in and i will remove it katiekendall01@yahoo.com  But please know that if you came to visit Cleve, you are a special person in his life and i just wanted to document it. It means a lot to him.